*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
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No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂