Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

😎

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

January has been Januweary

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.