Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
You Might Also Like
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.