Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)