Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”