me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Based Erika