Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

He instantly became one of the bros

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth