Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
dictator is short for richard potato
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.