Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead


*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job


3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake


I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.


[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.


We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”


What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?


Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.


Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check


Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler


When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.