Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
why no one uses midhusbands
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution