Wooden Horsie đ´
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because theyâre all dead). 2/5 stars.
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you donât mind having a breakfast thatâs also spying on you.
Whatâs the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
âThat chicken died for youâ â how I get my kids to eat chicken
If I had any self control Iâd probably eat that too.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHOâS THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: Youâre welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kidâs retainers*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted âHelp, I am in an Iranian prisonâ everyone would be like âhaha good oneâ
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Mom: Sorry, I wonât be able to come in today. My sonâs got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didnât even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[Pilot intercom]
Me: âHello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.â
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Not sure whatâs more bizarreâŚme sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigaretteâŚor that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while Iâm crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Well well well, if it isnât the guy from the cloud shapes in the skyâŚ
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause itâs your fault
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picketâŚ
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Youâre never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider