Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
