Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
how it started vs how it ended
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
