Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
