Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…

(whispers) boop your nose?