Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.
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i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Got him!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard