Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay