Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.