@thatdutchperson

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

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@BBCWorld

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

@Cynner777

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

@iamspacegirl

Geppetto:
I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake

@lecalabara

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@Jandalize

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

@TuSoonShakur

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.