Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

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Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach


All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.


The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”


I wish you were a real boy

Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*

Geppetto: yay!

[3 hrs later]

Geppetto: This was a mistake


Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.


Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married


I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.


Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.


I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.