Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’