I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
This classic never gets old . . .
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now