Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me