Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could veto my bills.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

At ease

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.