Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.