Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Well, that didn’t work.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me