Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*