Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.