Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

This cat wants you to take your pills

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.