Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Showerkraut

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Meow

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*