woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Get off my horse you stupid moon
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I only eat vegetarians.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.