‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain