At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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*hears that my 89 year old neighbor is in a nursing home now*
Flashlight, rubber gloves, and off I go for that shower chair!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Maybe I shouldn’t have spent all my time and money in my 20ies on drugs, festivals and partying… but the memories will last forever
Friend: Tell me your favorites
Me: Oh I don’t remember any of those years
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
*opens new beer
*finds old beer
*drinks 2 beers