‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.