‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

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a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head


My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.


A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !


I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.


Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine


Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?


8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up


EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?


Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.