@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

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@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

@noneofyours99

*hears that my 89 year old neighbor is in a nursing home now*

Flashlight, rubber gloves, and off I go for that shower chair!

@ItsAndyRyan

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@AlisonChrista

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

@sannewman

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

@filmswithcora

Maybe I shouldn’t have spent all my time and money in my 20ies on drugs, festivals and partying… but the memories will last forever

Friend: Tell me your favorites

Me: Oh I don’t remember any of those years

@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk