Word!
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
This rocks
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.