Word!
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Holy crap this is wonderful
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.