Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Joseph Smith, 1833

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.