Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

Lmao

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Birds & Planes.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?