word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
