word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO