Word.
~ Microsoft.
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He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
crazy
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa