Word.
~ Microsoft.
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Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent