ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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my dog got a haircut and now it looks like he gave up drinking.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!
*smile calls police*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
person: how long does it take to get there?
me: 3 songs
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper