Word.
~ Microsoft.
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How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
spot the difference
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.