Word.
~ Microsoft.
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE