Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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How to draw a duck
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?