Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.