Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
broke down and did it
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.