Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
That’s a good costume, I hope.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
