*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
found my next D&D character name
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
*brings nachos to your exorcism*