@MissSassy_Pants

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

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@SuperApple80

Hair dresser: So how do you normally style your hair at home?
Me: *just laughing until it hurts*

@jergarl

ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL

-Dr. Dolittle

@curlycomedy

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

@pleatedjeans

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

@impJOKER

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Wife: Ya?
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Her:..
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.

@amygibbons19

Police detective: so where were you last Monday between the hours of 11 and 2?

Me: dude I can’t even remember what show I was just watching if the commercials play too long

@JohnLyonTweets

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

@Mardigroan

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

@Gupton68

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!