Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation