Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
This seems like peak sibling energy
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.