Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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the council will decide your fate
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens