Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*