Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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Couple goals
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
why isn’t he texting back
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
How to find Kentucky on a map
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I only eat vegetarians.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.