Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
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Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
orange cat behavior
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it