Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma