Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
You Might Also Like
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
oh you wanna fight?!
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan