Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey