Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.