Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on