Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
*jazz hands*
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.