Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome