Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl

CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

this site is so cooked lol

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

😂😂

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope