Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

honestly, i need both:

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

I think this might be relevant today.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.