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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Best spoiler warning ever
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*