Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

We’ve all been there

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.