Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .