wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.