Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Rambo Rambow

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Huge, if true.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.