wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.