wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My safe word is Worcestershire
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell